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                                    118 Jokes - So Far

Barbeque Time

When we approach BBQ season again, It is  important to 
remember the etiquette of this outdoor ritual, since it's the only type 
of cooking a real man will do, probably because there is an element of 
danger involved. When a man volunteers to do the BBQ, the following 
chain of events takes place:

1. The woman buys the food.
2. The woman makes the salad, prepares the vegetables, and makes
3. The woman prepares the meat for cooking, places it on a tray along
with the necessary cooking utensils and sauces, and takes it to the man
who is lounging beside the grill---beer in hand. Here comes the
important part:
More routine:
5. The woman goes inside to organize the plates and cutlery.
6. The woman comes out to tell the man that the meat is burning. He
thanks her and asks if she will bring another beer while he deals with
the situation.
Important again:
More routine:
8. The woman brings the plates, salad, bread, utensils, napkins and
sauces to the table.
9. After eating, the woman clears the table and does the dishes.
And most important of all:
10. Everyone PRAISES THE MAN and THANKS HIM for his cooking efforts.
11. The man later asks the woman how she enjoyed "her night off" and,
seeing her annoyance, concludes that there's just no pleasing some
Happy BBQ Season to thoughtful men everywhere....



Can cold water really clean dishes ?
                  This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.

John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.

After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John's grandfather prepared a breakfast of bacon, eggs, and toast.
However, John noticed a film-like substance on his plate and questioned his grandfather asking, "Are these plates clean ?"
His grandfather replied, "They're as clean as cold water can get 'em.
Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny !"

For lunch the old man made hamburgers.
Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, "Are you sure these plates are clean ?"

Without looking up the old man said, "I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get em.
Now don't you fret, I don't want to hear 'nother word about it !"
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl and wouldn't let him pass.

John yelled, "Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car".

Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV,
the old man shouted


                 "COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN !!!!"



Meet Coldwater ....  


" Where are the Americans "

A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
States. He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and

Thank you Mr. American for letting me in this country, giving me
housing, food stamps, free medical care and free education!"

The passer-by says, "You are mistaken, I am Mexican".

The man goes on and encounters another passer-by. "Thank you for having
such a beautiful country here in America!"

The person says, "I no American, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks further, and the next person he sees he stops,
shakes his hand and says "Thank you for the wonderful America!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East, I am not
an American!"

He finally sees a nice lady and asks "Are you an American?"

She says, "No, I am from Russia!"

Puzzled he asks her, "Where are all the Americans?"

The Russian lady checks her watch and says..."Probably at work!"


Touching Story ....

A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.

As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him.

The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.

Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.

Probably wasn't the same elephant .

Buying Curtains

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches".

"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!!!!


What a Kick

An old farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men?" the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.



Subject: Oil Change - Female vs Male


Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee.
3) 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money spent:
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
Total $21.00

Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, write a check for $50.00.
2) Stop by 7 - 11 and buy a case of beer, write a check for $20, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process.  Cuss.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off of face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly hide old oil filter among trash in trash can to avoid environmental penalties. Drink a beer.
17) Buddy shows up; finish case of beer with him.  Decide to finish oil change tomorrow so you can go see his new garage door opener.
18) Sunday: Skip church because "I gotta finish the oil change." Drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car. Cleverly dump oil in hole in back yard instead of taking it back to Kragen to recycle.
19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.
20) Beer? No, drank it all yesterday.
21) Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26) Remember that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along with drain plug.
27) Drink beer.
28) Shovel out hole and sift oily mud for drain plug.  Re-shovel oily dirt into hole. Steal sand from kids sandbox to cleverly cover oily patch of ground and avoid environmental penalties. Wash drain plug in lawnmower gas.
29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
30) Drink beer.
31) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes.  Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
33) Begin cussing fit.
34) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
35) Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
36) Beer.
37) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required t o stop blood flow.
38) Beer.
39) Beer.
40) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.
41) Beer.
42) Lower car from jack stands.
43) Accidentally crush remaining case of new motor oil.
44) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during steps 23 - 43.
45) Beer.
46) Test drive car.
47) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
48) Car gets impounded.
49) Call loving wife, make bail.
50) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.

Money spent:

Parts $50.00
DUI $2500.00
Impound fee $75.00
Bail $1500.00
Beer $40.00
Total - - $4,165.00

But you know the job was done right!



Free Meal

One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."

 Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"

 "But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."

 "Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."

 The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"

 "Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.

 Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

 Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"



Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise"?

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.

"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.

"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.

"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.

Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?



Subject: You're Not A Monk

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."

The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.









But I can't tell you what it is.

" You're not a monk ".



Oil Shortage

A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in our country.
Well, there's a very simple answer.


Nobody bothered to check the oil.
We just didn't know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical.
Our OIL is located in
Alaska, California, Oklahoma,and Texas

Our DIPSTICKS are located in Washington DC


California Living

 Jack was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the seat beside him.
   The new guy was an absolute wreck, pale, hands shaking, biting hinails
   and moaning in fear.

   "Hey, pal, what's the matter?" Jack asked.
"Oh man... I've been transferred to California," the other guy
   "There's crazy people in California and they have shootings, gangs,
race riots, drugs, the highest crime rate..."

  "Hold on," Jack interrupted, "I've lived in California all my life,
and  it is not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home, go to work, mind your
own business, enroll your kids in a good school and it's as safe as
anywhere  in the world."

  The other passenger relaxed and stopped shaking for a moment and
said,"Oh, thank you. I've been worried to death, but if you live there
and  say it's OK, I'll take your word for  it. What do you do for a living?"

  "Me?" said Jack, "I'm a tail gunner on a Budweiser truck in Oakland."


                        Horseback Riding 101

A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.

As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.



Weather Forecast

It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.

Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.

When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.

Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of t he village should collect firewood to be prepared.

But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"

"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.

So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.

A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."

The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.

Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"

"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.

The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."



Ethical Dilemma

A person goes to a lawyer to have a contract

drafted. The lawyer tells her that it will cost $100,

which she pays with a $100 bill. After she leaves, the

lawyer realizes that there are actually two $100 bills

stuck together. The lawyer is torn by the obvious

ethical dilemma: Do I tell my partner?




Thirty Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs
And Not Wives

1. The later you are, the more excited they are to see you.

2. Dogs will forgive you for playing with other dogs.

3. If a dog is gorgeous, other dogs don't hate it.

4. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.

5. A dog's disposition stays the same all month long.

6. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.

7. A dog's parents never visit.

8. Dogs do not hate their bodies.

9. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

10. Dogs like to do their snooping outside rather than in your wallet or desk.

11. Dogs seldom outlive you.

12. Dogs can't talk.

13. Dogs enjoy petting in public.

14. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24-hours a day.

15. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

16. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

17. Another man will seldom steal your dog (except in KY or TN).

18. If you bring another dog home, your dog will happily play with both of you.

19. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died would you get another dog?"

20. If you pretend to be blind, your dog can stay in your hotel room for free.

21. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

22. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

23. A dog won't hold out on you to get a new car.

24. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad, they just think it's interesting.

25. On a car trip, your dog never insists on running the heater.

26. Dogs don't let magazine articles guide their lives.

27. When your dog gets old, you can have it put to sleep.

28. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

29. Dogs are not allowed in Bloomingdale's or Neiman-Marcus.

                          And, last but not least:

30. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.




                                Microsoft Cafe

Patron: Waiter!

Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your support waiter, what seems to be the problem?

Patron: There's a fly in my soup!

Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.

Patron: No, it's still there.

Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup, try eating it with a fork instead.

Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.

Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using?

Patron: A SOUP bowl!

Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem, how was the bowl set up?

Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer, what has that to do with the fly in my soup?

Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?

Patron: I sat down and ordered the "Soup of the Day"!

Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest "Soup of the Day"?

Patron: You have more than one "Soup of the Day" each day?

Waiter: Yes, the "Soup of the Day" is changed every hour.

Patron: Well, what is the "Soup of the Day" now?

Waiter: The current "Soup of the Day" is tomato.

Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.

Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.

Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.

Patron: This is potato soup.

Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.

Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.

Waiter leaves.

Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!

The check:
Soup of the Day:....$5.00
Upgrade to newer Soup of the Day .... $2.50
Access to support ....$1.00
Total:..... $8.50


One tough golf course....

The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.

They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.

It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.


Things to Ponder

I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I had amnesia once -- or twice.

I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.

Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.

Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

A beggar asked me for 50 for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.

Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.

Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.

When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?

My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.

I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.

The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.

How can there be self-help "groups"?

Is there another word for synonym?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

The speed of time is one-second per second.

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?

If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?

Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.

It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.

Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?


Flying High

A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.

As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.

The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."



Oh! to become a Great Writer

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.

When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.



                       What did these tech terms mean
                                100 years ago?

LOG ON: Making a wood stove hot

LOG OFF: Don't add no more wood

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood stove

DOWN LOAD: Gitten the firewood off the truck

MEGA HERTZ: When your not careful getting the firewood

FLOPPY DISC: What you get from trying to tote too much firewood

RAM: That thing what splits the firewood

HARD DRIVE: Coming home in the winter time

WINDOWS: What to shut when its cold outside

SCREEN: What to shut when it's black-fly season

BYTE: What them darn flies do

CHIP: What you step in if you aren't careful in the pasture

MODEM: What you do to the hay fields

DOT MATRIX: Ole Dan Matrix's wife

LAP TOP: Where the kitty sleeps

KEYBOARD: Where you hang the keys

SOFTWARE: forks and knives

MOUSE: what eats the grain in the barn

MOUSE PAD: The hole where the mouse lives

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof

PORT: Fancy flatlander wine

ENTER: Notherner talk for "C'Mon in y'all"

CLICK: Whut you hear when you cock your gun

DOUBLE CLICK: When the gun won't fire when you pull the trigger

REBOOT: What you have to do right before bedtime when you forgot that kitty is still outside



Hear ! Hear !

A concerned husband went to the doctor to talk about his wife.

He said to the doctor, "I think my wife is losing her hearing because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things."

"Well," the doctor replied, "go home tonight, stand about 15 feet from her, and say something. If she doesn't reply, move 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this until we get an idea about the severity of her deafness."

The husband went home and did exactly as the doctor had instructed. He started off 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she was chopping some vegetables.

He said, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

He heard no response. He moved 5 feet closer and asked again. No reply. He moved 5 feet closer. Still no reply.

He finally got fed up and moved right behind her, about an inch away, and asked again, "Honey, what's for dinner?"

She replied, "For the fourth time, vegetable stew!"


How did we survive?

According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those of us who
were kids in the 40's 50's, 60's, and 70's probably shouldn't
have survived.

Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored lead-based
paint, which was promptly chewed and licked.

We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or latches on
doors or cabinets and it was fine to play with pans.

When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip flops and
fluorescent 'clackers' on our wheels.

As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts or air
bags. Riding in the passenger seat was a treat.

We drank water from the garden hose and not from a bottle -
tasted the same.

We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding and drank
fizzy pop with sugar in it, but we were never overweight because
we were always outside playing.

We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle or can and
no one actually died from this.

We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps and then
went top speed down the hill, only to find out we forgot the
brakes. After running into stinging nettles a few times, we
learned to solve the problem.

We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as long as
we were back before it got dark. No one was able to reach us all
day and no one minded.

We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.

No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround sound, no
mobile phones, no personal computers, and no Internet chat rooms.

We had friends - we went outside and found them.

We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes that ball
really hurt.

We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and teeth, and
there were no lawsuits. They were accidents. We learnt not to do
the same thing again.

We had fights, punched each other hard and got black and blue -
we learned to get over it.

We walked to friend's homes.

We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate live stuff,
and although we were told it would happen, we did not have very
many eyes out, nor did the live stuff live inside us forever.

We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.

Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.

The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law was unheard
of. They actually sided with the law. Imagine that!

This generation has produced some of the best risk-takers and
problem solvers and inventors, ever. The past 50 years have been
an explosion of innovation and new ideas. We had freedom,
failure, success and responsibility, and we learned how to deal
with it all.

And you're one of them. Congratulations!

Out of Gas

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.

They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"



Cat Dish

In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty china.

He strolled into the store and offered five dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Morris the proprietor.

"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."

"Make it twenty and it's a deal," said Morris, and pocketed the $20 on the spot.

"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the antique connoisseur,"The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."

"Nothing doing," said Morris, the deli owner, firmly, "That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 32 stray cats."



Cut Up

Jeff is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to the local power tools dealer and asks about various chainsaws.

The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."

So Jeff buys the chainsaw, takes it home, and begins to work on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.

"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" Jeff asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."

The next morning, Jeff gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts and cuts until nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.

Convinced that he bought a bad chainsaw, Jeff decides to take it back to the dealer.

So the next day, he brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by Jeff's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.

The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."

Then he starts the chainsaw, to which Jeff responds, "What's that noise?"

Smarty Cat

A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.

As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.

At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"

"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that stupid cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"


Phony Deal

A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.

"Hi honey, are you at the club?"

"Yes, dear."

"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."

"How much is it, dear?"

"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"

"But don't you already have fur coats?"

"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"

"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"

"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"

"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"

"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"

"How much is it?"

"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"

"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"

"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool and tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."

"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"

"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."

"How much is it listed at?"

"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"

"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer, but no more than $415,000."

"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"

"See you tonight, dear."

The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks .... "So, whose phone is this?"


2nd Opinion
Courtesy of   

A man runs into the vet's office carrying his dog, screaming for help. The vet rushes him back to an examination room and has him put his dog down on the examination table. The vet examines the still, limp body and after a few moments tells the man that his dog, regrettably, is dead.

The man, clearly agitated and not willing to accept this, demands a second opinion.

The vet goes into the back room, comes out with a cat, and puts the cat down next to the dog's body. The cat sniffs the body, walks from head to tail poking and sniffing the dog's body and finally looks at the vet and meows. The vet looks at the man and says,

"I'm sorry, but the cat thinks that your dog is dead too."

The man is still unwilling to accept that his dog is dead.

The vet brings in a black Labrador The lab sniffs the body, walks from head to tail, and finally looks at the vet and barks. The vet looks at the man and says, "I'm sorry, but the lab thinks your dog is dead too."

The man, finally resigned to the diagnosis, thanks the vet and asks how much he owes.

The vet answers, "$650."

"$650 to tell me my dog is dead?!?!" exclaimed the man.

"Well," the vet replies, "I would only have charged you $50 for my initial diagnosis. The additional $600 was for the cat scan and lab tests."


Where do you live ?

  You Live in California when...
  1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
 2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
 3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
  4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
  5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
  6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
  will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
  You Live in New York City when...
  1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
  2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
  3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
 Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
  4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
  5. You believe that being able to swear at people  in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
  6. You've worn out a car horn.
  7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
  You Live in Maine when...
  1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
  2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
  3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
  4. Sexy lingerie is anything  flannel with less than eight buttons.
  5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
  You Live in the Deep South when...
  1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
  2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
  3. After five years you still hear, "You  ain't  from 'round here, are Ya?"
  4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
  5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc..
  You live in Colorado when...
  1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
  2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
  3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
  4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony  tail.
  You live in the Midwest when...
  1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
  2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
  3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
  4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
  5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
  You live in Florida when...
  1.You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
  2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
  3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
  4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
  5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.

Last Laugh

There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire become a great writer.

When asked to define "great," he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read,

stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"

He now works for Microsoft writing error messages.



Windows a Virus ???
Courtesy of

Is Windows a virus?

No, Windows is not a virus. Here's what viruses do:

1.They replicate quickly - okay, Windows does that.

2.Viruses use up valuable system resources, slowing down the system as they do so - okay, Windows does that.

3.Viruses will, from time to time, trash your hard disk - okay, Windows does that too.

4.Viruses are usually carried, unknown to the user, along with valuable programs and systems. Sigh... Windows does that, too.

5.Viruses will occasionally make the user suspect their system is too slow (see 2) and the user will buy new hardware. Yup, Windows does that, too.

Until now it seems Windows is a virus but there are fundamental differences: Viruses are well supported by their authors, are running on most systems, their program code is fast, compact and efficient and they tend to become more sophisticated as they mature.

So Windows is not a virus.

It's a bug

Sew, Sew

Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
wakes up, sits up and demands to know what is going on.

"I'm about to close," the surgeon says.

The patient grabs his hand and says, "Oh, no you're not!
I'll close my own incision."

The doctor hands him the needle and says, "Suture self."


Could golfing extend your life?

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was

amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you

attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm

up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to

it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my

dad's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?

How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this

morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How

about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"

The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still

living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went

golfing with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got


The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy

want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"

No Name (because it will give it away).

Most people don't know that back in 1912 Hellman's mayonnaise was manufactured in England.
In fact, the "Titanic" was carrying 12,000 jars of  the condiment scheduled for delivery in Vera Cruz,
 Mexico which was to be the next port of call for the great ship after New York City.

Mexicans were  crazy about the stuff.

 The Mexican people were eagerly awaiting delivery and were disconsolate
("desperados") at the loss. So much so that they declared a national day
of mourning which they still observe today.

 It is known, of course, as ...



You have to see this coming







Sinko de Mayo.


Get Your Goat

There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an
old, abandoned mineshaft. Curious about its depth they threw
in a pebble and waited for the sound of it striking the
bottom, but they heard nothing. They went and got a bigger
rock, threw it in and waited. Still nothing. They searched
the area for something larger and came upon a railroad tie.
With great difficulty, the two men carried it to the opening
and threw it in. While waiting for it to hit bottom, a goat
suddenly darted between them and leapt into the hole!

The guys were still standing there with astonished looks upon
their faces from the actions of the goat when a man walked
up to them. He asked them if they had seen a goat anywhere in
the area and they said that one had just jumped into the mine-
shaft in front of them! The man replied, "Oh no. That couldn't
be MY goat, mine was tied to a railroad tie."



Bureaucrats !

Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.

To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.

 But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.

But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.

 The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.

Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave.


Thoughts On Exercise:
Courtesy of:

** It is well documented that for every minute you exercise, you add a minute to your life. This enables you, at 85 years of age, to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month!

** My grandmother Patty started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she's 97 years old and we don't know where the heck she is!

** The only reason I would take up exercising is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.

** I joined a health club last year and spent about 400 bucks. Haven't lost a pound. Apparently you have to show up.

** I have to exercise early in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing.

** I like long walks... especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.

** I have flabby thighs, but fortunately my stomach covers them.

** The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.

** If you are going to try cross-country skiing, start with a small country.

And last, but not least,

** I don't exercise because it makes the ice jump right out of my glass!



A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked," Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"
"My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of bath."
"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does".


Snails Pace

There was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it repainted "240-S".

The dealer asks, "Why 'S'?"

The snail replies, "'S' stands for snail. I want everybody who sees me roaring past to know who's driving."

Well, the dealer doesn't want to lose the unique opportunity to sell a car to a snail, so he agrees to have the car repainted for a small fee.

The snail gets his new car and spent the rest of his days roaring happily down the highway at top speed. And whenever anyone would see him zooming by, they'd say "Wow! Look at that S-car go!"



Tap Tap Who's There

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of
the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and
stopped centimeters from a shop window. For a second
everything went quiet in the cab, then the
driver said "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You
scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologized and said he didn't realize that
a little tap could scare him so much.
The driver replied "Sorry, it's not really your fault.
Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been
driving hearses for the last 25 years!"

The Watch

Jake is struggling through a bus station with two huge
and obviously heavy suitcases when a stranger walks up
to him and asks, "Have you got the time?"

Jake sighs, puts down the suitcases, and glances at his
wrist. "It's a quarter to six," he says.

"Hey, that's a pretty fancy watch!" exclaims the

Jake brightens a little. "Yeah, it's not bad. Check this
out"...and he shows him a time zone display, not just
for every time zone in the world, but for the 86 largest
metropoli. He hits a few buttons and from somewhere on
the watch a voice says, "The time is eleven 'til six" in
a very West Texas accent. A few more buttons and the
same voice says something in Japanese.

Jake continues, "I've put in regional accents for each
city". The display is unbelievably high quality and the
voice is simply astounding. The stranger is struck dumb
with admiration.

"That's not all", says Jake. He pushes a few more
buttons and a tiny but very high-resolution map of New
York City appears on the display. "The flashing dot
shows our location by satellite positioning," explains

"View recede ten", Jake says, "and the display changes
to show eastern New York state.

"I want to buy this watch!" says the stranger.

"Oh, no, it's not ready for sale yet; I'm still working
out the bugs", says the inventor. "But look at this",
and he proceeds to demonstrate that the watch is also a
very creditable little FM radio receiver with a digital
tuner, a sonar device that can measure distances up to
125 meters, a pager with thermal paper printout and,
most impressive of all, the capacity for voice
recordings of up to 300 standard-size books, "though I
only have 32 of my favorites in there so far," says

"I've got to have this watch!", says the stranger.

"No, you don't understand; it's not ready!"

"I'll give you 1,000 dollars for it!"

"Oh, no, I've already spent more than..."

"I'll give you 5,000 dollars for it!"

"But it's just not..."

"I'll give you 15,000 for it!" And the stranger pulls
out a checkbook.

Jake stops to think. He's only put about 8,500 into
materials and development, and with 15,000 he can make
another one and have it ready for merchandising in six

The stranger frantically finishes writing the check and
waves it in front of him. "Here it is, ready to hand to
you right here and now. 15,000 bucks. Take it or leave it."

Jake abruptly makes his decision. "OK," he says, and
peels off the watch. They make the exchange and the
stranger starts happily away.

"Hey, wait a minute," calls Jake after the stranger, who
turns around warily. Jake points to the two suitcases
he'd been trying to wrestle through the bus
station. "Don't forget your batteries."

Knowing when to scream

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for the

flight to leave and they're getting a little impatient.

But the airport staff has assured them that the pilots

will be there soon and the flight can take off

immediately there after. The entrance opens and two men

walk up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms. Both are

wearing dark glasses.

One is using a seeing-eye dog, and the other is tapping

his way up the aisle with a white, tipped cane.

Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin as the men

enter the cockpit. The door closes, and the engines

start up. The passengers begin glancing around,

nervously, searching for some sign that this is just a

little practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and

people at the windows realize that they're headed

straight for the edge of the water at the end of the

airport's property. It begins to look as though the

plane will never take off - that it will plow into the


Panicked screams fill the cabin -- but at that moment,

the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers

relax and laugh a little sheepishly. Soon they have

all retreated into their magazines, secure in the

knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

Up in the cockpit, the copilot turns to the pilot and

says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're going

to scream too late, and we're all going to die?!"

Driving  Lesson

A truck driver was quietly having breakfast in a
diner, when a group of tough bikers came through the
door. One of the bikers thought a waitress was cute and
wanted to impress her.

So the biker goes up to the truck driver and shoves
him in the shoulder. The trucker keeps quietly eating
his breakfast as though nothing happened.
Incensed, the biker grabs the trucker's plate of
eggs, and pours it in the trucker's lap. The trucker
ignores the attack, and starts sipping his coffee.
The biker does not like being ignored. He grabs
the trucker's coffee, and pours it over the trucker's
head. Again the trucker ignores the attack. He simply
gets up, goes to the register, pays for his breakfast
and leaves.

The biker goes to the waitress and says, "Not much
of a man, was he?"
The waitress responds, looking out the
window, "Not much of a driver, either. He just ran
over a dozen motorcycles with his 18-wheeler."




A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the
cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her. She
asks him why he is staring and he replies, "I have a
question to ask you but I don't want to offend you."
She answers: "My dear son, you cannot offend me.
When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long
as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about
everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say
or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do
about that: #1, you have to be single and #2 you must
be a Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I
am single and I'm Catholic too!"
The nun says, "OK, pull into the next alley."
He does and the nun fulfills his fantasy. But when
they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child." said the nun, "Why are you
"Forgive me sister, but I have sinned. I lied, I
must confess, I'm married and a I'm a Baptist."
The nun says, "That's OK, I am on the way to a
Halloween party, and my name is Kevin."

Oh! Hang it all

After hearing that one of the patients in a mental
hospital had saved another from a suicide attempt by
pulling him out of a bathtub, the director reviewed the
rescuer's file and called him into his office.
"Mr. James, your records and your heroic behavior
indicate that you're ready to go home. I'm only sorry
that the man you saved later killed himself with a rope
around the neck."
"Oh, he didn't kill himself," Mr. James replied. "I hung
him up to dry."

Teach an Old Bird New Tricks

David received a parrot for his birthday.  The parrot was
fully grown with a bad attitude and an even worse
vocabulary.  Every other word was an expletive and those
that weren't expletives, were to say the least rude.

David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was
constantly saying polite words, playing soft music,
anything he could think of to try and set a good example,
nothing worked.  He yelled at the bird and the bird
yelled back.  He shook the bird and the bird just got
more angry and more rude.

Finally in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot
in the freezer.  For a few moments he heard the bird
squawk and kick and scream then suddenly there was quiet.

David was frightened that he might have hurt the bird and
quickly opened the freezer door.  The parrot calmly
stepped out onto David's extended arm and said,  "I
believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions.  I will endeavor at once to correct my behavior.
I really am truly sorry and beg your forgiveness."

David was astonished at the bird's change in attitude and
was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change
when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken

The Hands of Time

Hillary Clinton died and went to heaven. As she stood in
front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates, she saw a huge
wall of clocks behind him.
She asked, "What are all those clocks?"
St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone on
Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie, the hands on
your clock will move."
"Oh," said Hillary, "who's clock is that?"
"That's Mother Teresa's. The hands have never moved
indicating that she never told a lie."
"Whose clock is that?"
"That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have only
moved twice, telling us that Abe only told 2 lies in
his entire life." Hillary asked, "Where's Bill's clock?"
"Bill's clock is in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling



A Little Knowledge Can Be Dangerous

Three guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in
return for granting each of them a wish.
One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if
you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."
The mermaid says, "Done."Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and
analyzing what he's recited with great insight.
The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple
my I.Q."
The mermaid says, "Done."The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been
stumping all the great scientists of the world: the
mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.
The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends
that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."
The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but
I really think you should reconsider."
The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free."
"Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're
asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't
you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But
no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having
his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And he turns into a woman.

Dog Days

1. Dogs spend all day sprawled on the most comfortable piece
of furniture in the house.

2. They can hear a package of food opening half a block away,
but don't hear you when you're in the same room.

3. They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.

4. They growl when they are not happy.

5. When you want to play, they want to play.

6. When you want to be alone, they want to play.

7. They leave their toys everywhere.

Conclusion:  They're tiny men in little fur coats.

Cat - Fish Story

Little Timmy was in the garden filling in a hole when
his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what
the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely
asked, "What are you up to there, Tim?" "My goldfish
died," replied Timmy tearfully, "and I've just buried
him." The neighbor was concerned. "That's an awfully big
hole for a goldfish, isn't it?" Little Timmy patted down
the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because
he's inside your cat."

A Dogs Life

A wealthy man decided to go on a safari in Africa.  He 
took his faithful pet dog along for company.  One day 
the dog starts chasing butterflies and before long he 
discovers that he is lost.  So, wandering about he 
notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with 
the obvious intention of having lunch.

The dog thinks, "Boyoboy, I'm in deep doo doo now." (He was 
an Irish setter)....  Then he noticed some bones on the 
ground close by, and immediately settles down to chew on 
the bones with his back to the approaching cat.

Just as the leopard is about to leap, the dog exclaims 
loudly, "Man, that was one delicious leopard.  I wonder 
if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this the leopard halts his attack in mid stride, 
as a look of terror comes over him, and slinks away into 
the trees.  "Whew", says the leopard. "That was close.  
That dog nearly had me."

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole 
scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this 
knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from 
the leopard.  So, off he goes.  But the dog saw him 
heading after the leopard with great speed, and figured 
that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up 
with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal 
for himself with the leopard.  The cat is furious at 
being made a fool of and says, "Here monkey, hop on my 
back and see what's going to happen to that conniving 

Now the dog sees the leopard coming with the monkey on 
his back, and thinks," What am I going to do now?" But 
instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to 
his attackers pretending he hasn't seen them yet.
And just when they get close enough to hear, the dog 
says, "Where's that monkey. I just can never trust him.  
I sent him off half an hour ago to bring me another 
leopard, and he's still not back!!"

The Devil you say !

There was a huge nut tree by the cemetery fence. One day  two boys filled up a bucketful
of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.  
"One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me," said one boy. The bucket was so full,
 several rolled out  towards the fence.

Cycling down the road by the cemetery was a third boy.  As he passed, he thought he heard 
voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to investigate. Sure enough, he  heard, 
"One for you, one for me. One for you."  He knew what it was. "Oh my!!" he shuddered, 
"It's Satan  and St. Peter dividing the souls at the cemetery!"

He cycled down the road and found an old man with a  cane, hobbling along. "Come quick!" 
he said, "You won't believe what I heard. Satan and St. Peter are down at  the cemetery 
dividing the souls."

The man said, "Shoo, you brat! Can't you see I'm finding  it hard to walk as it is!" After 
several pleas, the man hobbled to the cemetery and heard, "One for you, one for  me. 
One for you, one..." The old man whispered, "Boy, you's been tellin' the truth! Let's see 
if we can see  the Devil himself."

Shivering with fear, they edged toward the fence, still  unable to see anything, but they heard, "One for you, 
one for me. One for you, one for me. And one last one  for you. That's all. 
Let's go get those nuts by the fence, and we'll be done."

They say the old guy made it to town 10 minutes before  the boy!



Where's the Boat ?

Courtesy of:

A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"


Mans Best Friend

Courtesy of:

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his
clerk's hand was bandaged. Before he could ask about the
bandage, the clerk said he had some very good news for him.

"Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that
terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!"

"Do you mean that repulsive pink and blue double-breasted
thing?" the manager asked.

"That's the one!"

"That's great!" the manager cried, "I thought we'd never get
rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit
we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?"

"Oh," the clerk replied, "after I sold the guy that suit, his
guide dog bit me."

" One Drink to Many "

There's this guy in a bar, just looking at his drink. He
stays like that for half-an-hour. Then this bully steps
up next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just
drinks it all down.
The poor man starts crying. The bully says: "Oh, come on
man! I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink.
I can't stand to see a man crying."
The troubled fellow replies, "This day is the worst of my
life. First I get fired for oversleeping and getting to
work late. Then I'm leaving the building and find out my
car was stolen. I get a cab to return home, and forget my
wallet and credit cards in the cab. Then I find my wife
in bed with the gardener. So I end up at this bar, and
just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life,
you show up and drink my poison."

" Drinking Buddies "

Courtesy of:

There were two Irishmen drinking in a bar. One drank
from his beer and said to the other, "Oh my. I've not
had beer like this since I was a young man in Kilarney".

The other man looked surprised. "Well, glory be! I'm
from Kilarney myself!"

"Well, neighbor", says the first fellow, "and what
street did you live on?"

"I lived on Blarney Road, near the church of St.

"Well, and so did I!", says the second. "What a small
world it is!"

The bartender rolls his eyes and picks up the phone.

The first man says, "...and I went to St. Patrick's

The second man slaps his forehead. "I'll be, so did I!!"

The bartender looks at the two men and speaks into the
phone. "Honey, I'll be late coming home. The O'Malley
brothers are drunk again".

" Lawyers "

                                                               Courtesy of:

A Mexican bandit made a specialty of crossing the Rio
Grande from time to time and robbing banks in Texas.
Finally, a reward was offered for his capture, and an
enterprising Texas ranger decided to track him down.

After a lengthy search, he traced the bandit to his
favorite cantina, snuck up behind him, put his trusty
six-shooter to the bandit's head, and said, "You're
under arrest. Tell me where you hid the loot or I'll
blow your brains out."

But the bandit didn't speak English, and the Ranger
didn't speak Spanish. Fortunately, a bilingual lawyer
was in the saloon and translated the Ranger's message.
The terrified bandit blurted out, in Spanish, that the
loot was buried under the oak tree in back of the

"What did he say?" asked the Ranger.

The lawyer answered, "He said 'Get lost, you turkey. You
wouldn't dare shoot me.'"




Accident Report

This is a bricklayer's accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.

Dear Sir:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form.  I put "Poor Planning" as the cause of my accident.  You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade.  On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six story building.  When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it.  Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks.  You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope.  Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground-and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs.  I refer you again to my weight.  As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building.

In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up.  This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly.  The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope.

                                            Useless   Inventions ....


  1. A Pedal powered wheelchair
  2. A black highlighter pen
  3. Glow in the dark sunglasses
  4. Non stick Cellotape
  5. Solar Powered Flash Light
  6. Waterproof sponge
  7. Waterproof Teabags
  8. Inflatable Anchor
  9. Inflatable Dartboard
 10. Seatbelts for Motorbikes
 11. Silent Alarm Clock
 12. AC adapter for Solar powered calculators
 13. Battery powered Battery Charger
 14. Braille Drivers Manual
 15. Double sided playing cards
 16. Ejector seats for Helicopters
 17. Fireproof Matches
 18. Fireproof Cigarettes
 19. Smooth Sandpaper
 20. Hand powered Chainsaw




In the eye of the beholder.

A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the street.  First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.  After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.

The Physicist says: "The measurement wasn't accurate."  The Biologist concludes: "They have reproduced."  The Mathematician says: "Now if another person enters the house, it'll be empty again."


Hi! Ho! Silver.

The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.  After a few minutes, a big tall
cowboy walked in and said  "Who owns the big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and
said, "I do. Why?" The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you'd like to know that your horse is about dead outside!"

The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.  The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create nough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around silver.

Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"

The cowboy looks him in the eye and says. . . .


"Nothin' - but you left your Injun runnin'."



Think About It

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast.  The mime next door went nuts!

If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges did not live there.

Whatever happened to preparations A through G?

I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

So what's the speed of dark?

After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

Why don't they just make mouse-flavored cat food?

If you're sending someone some Styrofoam, what do you pack it in?

I just got skylights put in my place.  The people who live above me are furious!

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

The other day I went to a tourist information booth and said: "Tell me about some of the tourists who were here last year."


COBOL Forever

                                     Courtesy of: " ACD Funnies "

There once was a COBOL programmer named Mike. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the relational database modelers, client/server programmers and website developers, Mike was finally getting some respect. After separating from the Air Force, he'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments, and
making more money than he'd ever dreamed of. He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it.Soon he could retire.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Mike. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he could think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Mike decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive, totally automated process. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with his life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Mike saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!", "It's a miracle", and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

A spokesman for the group stepped forward. Mike couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" he asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained that 2000 had gone, but that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Mike's cryogenic receptacle - it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March 15th of 2099, not 2000. But the spokesman told Mike that he shouldn't get excited as someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of the Prime Minister of Earth. He told Mike not to be upset, that this was a wonderful time to be alive, that there was world peace and no more starvation, that the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. Technology had advanced to such a degree that everyone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Mike. "But I'm curious. Why does everybody seem so interested in me?" "Well," said the Prime Minister. "2100 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

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Only in America

Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...

Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...

Only in people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...

Only in banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...

Only in we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk boxes locked in the garage...

Only in we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...

Only in we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...

And my favorite......... Only in we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"... Have a great day...Only in America !

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Elementary! Watson

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. As they lay down for the night, Holmes said:"Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see?"

Watson said, "I see millions of stars."

Holmes:  "And what does that tell you?"

Watson:  "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

Holmes:  "Somebody stole our tent."

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Mule headed

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways...

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"

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Reep ra rums rarrm

It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.

The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"

The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."

"What was that?" the old man asked.

Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."

"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."

So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"

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For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor blood,lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other
maladies.But now I found out the real reason.I'm tired because I'm overworked.

The population of this country is 237 million, and 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.There are 85 million in school, which leaves 48 million to do the work.Of this, there are 29 million employed by the federal government.This leaves 19 million to do the work.Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work.14,800,000 people who work for state and city governments,and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. With 11,998 people in prisons now, that leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there fooling around with Email !

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Read My Lips !

According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem.  A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom.  That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.  She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian.  She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.

To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors,  He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror. 

Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

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Only in California

A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.

Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.

So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.

To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."

The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the senior executives.

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Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.

The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Bad Puns When were Puns good.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." -------------------------------------------------------------------------

A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------

Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! -------------------------------------------------------------------------

A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------

A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." -------------------------------------------------------------------------

An angry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

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Bumper stickers Courtesy of: " ACD Funnies "

" Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. "

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

I'm not a complete idiot, some parts are missing!

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

" More hay, Trigger? "No thanks, Roy, I'm stuffed!"

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

What is a " free " gift? Aren't all gifts free?

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.

I used to have a handle on life, then it broke.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth, how about a fountain of SMART?

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

My child was " Inmate of the month ", at the California Youth Correctional Facility.

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A photographer from a well know national magazine was assigned to cover the fires at Yellowstone National Park. The magazine wanted to show some of the heroic work of the fire fighters as they battled the blaze.

When the photographer arrived, he realized that the smoke was so thick that it would seriously impede or make it impossible for him to photograph anything from ground level. He requested permission to rent a plane and take photos from the air. His request was approved and arrangements were made. He was told to report to the Jackson Hole airport where a plane would be waiting for him.

He arrived at the airport and saw a plane warming up near the gate. He jumped in with his bag and shouted, " Let's go! " The pilot swung the little plane into the wind, and within minutes they were in the air.

The photographer said, " Fly over the park and make two or three low passes so I can take some pictures. " " Why? " asked the pilot. " Because I am a photographer," he responded, " and photographers take photographs. " The pilot was silent for a moment; finally he stammered, " You mean you're not, not the flight instructor? "

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Blind Pilots

Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for
the flight to leave.
They're getting a little impatient, but the airport
staff assures them that the pilots will be there soon,
and the flight can take off.

The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots'
uniforms walk up the aisle. Both are wearing dark
glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is
tapping his way along the aisle with a cane.
Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the
men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the
engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
searching for some sign that this is just a little
practical joke. None is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and
the people sitting in the window seats realize that
they're headed straight for the water at the edge of
the airport territory.

As it begins to look as though the plane will plow
into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air.

The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in
the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and
says, "You know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna
scream too late, and we're all gonna die."

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Good Christian Bear

It seems a pastor from Maine skipped services one Sunday to go bear hunting in the mountains. As he turned the corner along the path, he and a bear collided. The pastor stumbled backwards, slipped off the trail, and began tumbling down the mountain with the bear in hot pursuit.

Finally, the pastor crashed in to a boulder,sending his rifle in one direction and breaking both legs. As the bear closed in, the pastor cried out in desperation, " Lord, I'm sorry for what I have done. Please forgive me, and save me! Lord, please make the bear a Christian. "

Suddenly the bear skidded to a halt at the pastor's feet, fell to its knees, clasped its paws together, and said, " God, bless this food which I am about to receive. "

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Not in my drink

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an  Irishman walk into a bar,  they each order a Guiness...  3 flies come along and one lands in each beer.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes out the fly and continues drinking.

The Irishman pulls  the fly out and holds him over the beer yelling at the fly, " SPIT IT OUT...SPIT IT OUT U BUGGER ".

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It's a pain

A married couple went to he hospital to have their baby delivered.  Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine  that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.  They were both very much in favor of it.  The doctor set the pain transfer dial to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before.

But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and bump it up a notch.  The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.  The husband was still feeling fine. The doctor checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing.

At this point they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.  Since it was obviously helping out his wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.  The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.

She and her husband were ecstatic.  When they got home, the mailman was dead on their porch.

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Language Evolution

The News Standard has received this bulletin fresh from our Brussels- based News Service...

The European Union commissioners have announced that agreement has been reached to adopt English as the preferred language for European communications,rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, Her majesty's Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a five-year phased plan for what will be known as Euro English (Euro for short).

In the first year, "s" will be used instead of the soft "c". Sertainly, sivil servants will resieve this news with joy. Also, the hard "c" will be replaced with "k". Not only will this klear up konfusion, but typewriters kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year, when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced by "f". This will make words like "fotograf" 20 per sent shorter.

In the third year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.Governments will enkorage the removal of double letters, which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling. Also, al wil agre that the horible mes of silent "e"s in the languag is disgrasful, and they would go

By the fourth year, peopl wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" by z" and "w" by v.

During ze fifz year, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou",and similar changes vud of kors be aplid to ozer kombinations of leters.

After zis fifz yer, ve vil hav a reli sensibl riten styl. Zer vil be no mor trubls or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech ozer.

Ze drem vil finali kum tru.

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The Game must go on.
A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him. "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942.""Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
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Blondes Away?

Q: How does a blond kill a fish?

A: She drowns it.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a pin at you?

A: Run like hell, as she's got a hand grenade in her mouth.

Q: What do you do when a blonde throws a hand grenade at you?

A: Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q: What is the blonde doing when she holds her hands tightly over her ears?

A: Trying to hold on to a thought.

Q: Why did the blonde stare at frozen orange juice can for two hours?

A: Because it said 'concentrate'.

Q: Why did the blonde bake a chicken for three and a half days?

A: It said cook it for half an hour per pound and she weighed125 lbs.

Q: Why did the blonde climb up to the roof of the bar?

A: She heard that the drinks were on the house.

Q: What's the difference between Elvis and smart blondes?

A: Elvis has been sighted.

Q: What did the blonde do when she noticed that someone had already written on the overhead transparency?

A: She turned it over and used the other side.

Q: How do you get a one-armed blonde out of a tree?

A: Wave to her.

Q: How does a blonde high-5?

A: She smacks herself in the forehead.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?

A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: Do you know why the blonde got fired from the M&M factory?

A: She kept throwing out all the "W"s.

Q: Why was the blonde disappointed with her trip to England?

A: She found out Big Ben is only a clock.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?

A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q: How can you tell if another blonde's been using the same computer?

A: There's writing on the white-out.

Q: How can you tell when a fax had been sent from a blonde?

A: There is a stamp on it,

Q: Why do Blondes take the pill?

A: So they know what day of the week it is.

Q: What do you call a smart blond?

A: A golden retriever.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?

A: To see what was on the other side.

A blonde's response to the comment, "THINK about it!": "I don't have

to think, I'm blonde!"

BLONDE #1: "Have you ever read Shakespeare?"

BLONDE #2: "No, who wrote it?"

Two blondes observed in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger: Blonde#1: I can't seem to get this door unlocked! Blonde#2: Well, you'd better hurry up and try harder. It's starting to rain and the top is down!

A blonde was driving down the highway to Disneyland when she saw a sign that said "DISNEYLAND LEFT". After thinking for a minute, she said to herself "oh well," and turned around and drove home.

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Not so Dumb Blonde Joke

A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each
other on a long flight from LA to NY. The lawyer leans
over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun
game. The blonde is tired and just wants to take a nap,
so she politely
declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few
winks. The lawyer persists, saying that the game is
really easy and a lot of fun.

He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question,
and if you don't know the answer, you pay me, and visa-

Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent
is a blonde he will easily win the match, so he makes
another offer:

"Okay, how about this  "If you don't know the answer you
pay me only $5, but if I don't know the answer, I will
pay you $500."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
there will be no end to this torment unless she plays,
she agrees to play the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
from the earth to the moon?"

The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
pulls out a five-dollar bill, and hands it to the lawyer.

Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with

The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes
out his laptop computer and searches all his references.
He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches
the Net and even the Library of Congress. Frustrated, he
sends E-mails to all his co-workers and friends he
knows. All to no avail.

After over an hour, of searching for the answer he
finally gives up. He wakes
the blonde and hands her $500.

The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get
back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes
the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer?"

Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.

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Blonde Betja

Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.

He sits down next to this blonde at the bar and stares up at the TV.

The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a
ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looks  at Homer and says, " Do you think he will jump?"
Homer says,  "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet  he won't."

Homer placed $20 dollars on the bar and said,   "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar,  the guy did a swan
dive off of the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 dollars to
Homer and said, "All is fair.   Here is your money."

Homer replies, " I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the
5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."
The blonde replies, "I did too, but I didn't think he'd do it again. "


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The Millionaire 

       A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money. 

       And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it (A) the condor, (B) the buzzard, (C) the cuckoo, or (D) the vulture? 

       The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline. 

       All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it...Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices. 

       The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo." 

       The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do. 

       On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded. 

       "I need an answer," said Regis. 

       Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo." 

       "Is that your final answer?" asked Regis. 

       "Yes, that is my final answer." 

       Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!" 

       Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant, "because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?" 

       "Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"

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Keep the Noise down

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off.

"How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her.

"Well, I was trying to commit suicide," the blonde replied.

"What?" sputtered the doctor? "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?"

No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest."

"So then?" asked the doctor.

"Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth."

"So then?"

"Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger."


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Hot n Cold

A blonde was shopping at a Target Store and came across a silver
 thermos. She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and
brought it over to the clerk to ask what it was.
         The clerk said, "Why, that's a keeps things hot and some things
cold." "Wow," said the blonde, "that's amazing....I'm going to buy
it!" So she bought the thermos and took it to work the next day.

 Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that, he asked? "Why, that's a keeps hot things hot and cold things cold," she replied.
Her boss inquired, "What do you have in it?" The blond
replied, "Two Popsicles and some coffee."


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Cheap Paint Job

A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type
and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.  She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do. 
"Well, you can paint my porch.  How much will you charge?"  The blonde said, "How about 50dollars?"  The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage.  
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband,  "Does she realize that theporch goes all the way around the house?"  The man replied,  "She should.  She was standing on the porch." 
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.  "You're finished already?"  hasked.  "Yes", the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats.  "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.   "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

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In The Eye of The Beholder

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
the first blonde a picture for 5 second and then hides
"This is your  suspect, how would you recognize

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
fast because  he only has one eye!" The policeman
says, "Well...uh...that's because  the picture shows his

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
flashes the  picture  for 5 seconds at the second blonde
and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you
recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!"

The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter
with you two?!? Of  course only one eye and one ear are
SHOWING because it's a picture of  his profile!! Is that
the best answer you can come up with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture
to the third blonde and in a very testy voice
asks, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"
He quickly adds"...think hard before giving me a stupid

The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
and says, "Hmmmm...the suspect wears contact lenses." 

The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
really doesn't  know himself if the suspect wears
contacts or not. "Well, that's an interesting answer...
wait here for a few minutes while I check his file
and I'll get back to you on that."

He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
suspect's file in his computer, and comes back  with a
beaming smile on his face. "Wow! I can't believe's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact
lenses. Good work! How were you  able to make such an
astute observation?

"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
glasses  because he only has one eye and one

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Bill of No Rights
By:Lewis W. Napper

We, the sensible of the United States, in an attempt to help everyone get along, restore some semblance of justice, avoid any more riots, keep our nation safe, promote positive behavior and secure the blessings of debt-free liberty to ourselves and our great-great-great grandchildren, hereby try one more time to ordain and establish some common sense guidelines for the terminally whiny, guilt-ridden delusional, and other liberal, commie, pinko bed wetters.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that a whole lot of people were confused by the Bill of Rights and are so dim that they require a Bill of No Rights.

You do NOT have the right to a new car, big-screen color TV, or any other form of wealth. More power to you if you can legally acquire them, but no one is guaranteeing anything.

You do NOT have the right to never be offended. This country is based on freedom, and that means freedom for everyone -- not just you! You may leave the room, turn the channel, express a different opinion, etc., but the world is full of idiots, and probably always will be.

You do NOT have the right to be free from harm. If you stick a screwdriver in your eye, learn to be more careful, do not expect the tool manufacturer to make you and all of your relatives independently wealthy.

You do NOT have the right to free food and housing. Americans are the most charitable people to be found, and will gladly help anyone in need, but we are quickly growing weary of subsidizing generation after generation of professional couch potatoes who achieve nothing more than the creation of another generation of professional couch potatoes.

You do NOT have the right to free health care. That would be nice, but from the looks of public housing, we're just not interested in public health care.

You do NOT have the right to physically harm other people. If you kidnap, rape, intentionally maim or kill someone, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and kill you.

You do NOT have the right to the possessions of others. If you rob, cheat, or coerce away the goods or services of other citizens, don't be surprised if the rest of us get together and lock you away in a place where you still won't have the right to a big-screen color TV or a life of leisure.

You do NOT have the right to demand that our children risk their lives in foreign wars to soothe your aching conscience. We hate oppressive governments and won't lift a finger to stop you from going to fight if you'd like. However, we do not enjoy parenting the entire world and do not want to spend so much of our time battling each and every little tyrant with a military uniform and a funny hat.

You do NOT have the right to a job. All of us sure want you to have one, and will gladly help you along in hard times, but we expect you to take advantage of the opportunities in education and vocational training laid before you to make yourself useful.

You do NOT have the right to happiness. Being an American means that you have the right to pursue happiness -- which, by the way, is a lot easier if you are unencumbered by an overabundance of idiotic laws created by those around you who were confused by the Bill of Rights.

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If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation.

Picard: Sigma Indri, that's the star, So, Data, please, how far? How far?

Data: Our ship can get there very fast But still the trip will last and last We'll have two days til we arrive But can the Indrans there survive?

Picard: LaForge, please give us factor nine.

LaForge: But, sir, the engines are off line!

Picard: Off line! But why? I want to go! Please make it so, please make it so!

Riker: But sir, if Geordi says we can't, We can't, we mustn't, and we shan't, The danger here is far too great!

Picard: But surely we must not be late!

Troi: I'm sensing anger and great ire.

Computer: Alert! Alert! The ship's on fire!

Picard: The ship's on fire? How could this be? Who lit the fire?

Riker: Not me.

Worf: Not me.

Picard: Computer, how long til we die?

Computer: Eight minutes left to say goodbye.

Data: May I suggest a course to take? We could, I think, quite safely make Extinguishers from tractor beams And stop the fire, or so it seems...

Geordi: Hurray! Hurray! You've saved the day! Again I say, Hurray! Hurray!

Picard: Mr. Data, thank you much. You've saved our lives, our ship, and such.

Troi: We still must save the Indran planet --

Data: Which (by the way) is made of granite...

Picard: Enough, you android. Please desist. We understand -- we get your gist. But can we get our ship to go? Please, make it so, PLEASE make it so.

Geordi: There's sabotage among the wires And that's what started all the fires.

Riker: We have a saboteur? Oh, no! We need to go! We need to go!

Troi: We must seek out the traitor spy And lock him up and ask him why?

Worf: Ask him why? How sentimental. I say give him problems dental.

Troi: Are any Romulan ships around? Have scanners said that they've been found? Or is it Borg or some new threat We haven't even heard of yet? I sense no malice in this crew. Now what are we supposed to do?

Crusher: Captain, please, the Indrans need us. They cry out, "Help us, clothe us, feed us! " I can't just sit and let them die! A doctor MUST attempt -- MUST try!

Picard: Doctor, please, we'll get there soon.

Crusher: They may be dead by Tuesday noon.


Worf: The saboteur is in the brig. He's very strong and very big. I had my phaser set on stun -- A zzzip! A zzzap! Another one! He would not budge, he would not fall, He would not stun, no, not at all! He changed into a stranger form All soft and purple, round and warm.

Picard: Did you see this, Mr. Worf? Did you see this creature morph?

Worf: I did and then I beat him fairly. Hit him on the jaw -- quite squarely.

Riker: My commendations, Klingon friend! Our troubles now are at an end!

Crusher: Now let's get our ship to fly And orbit yonder Indran sky!

Picard: LaForge, please tell me we can go...?

Geordi: Yes, sir, we can.

Picard: Then make it so!

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23 Sure Signs of Net Addiction

23 You find yourself typing " com " after every period when using a word

22 You refer to going to the bathroom as downloading.

21 You start introducing yourself as " John Doe at AOL dot com. "

20 All of your friends have an @ in their names.

19 You start tilting your head sideways to smile.

18 You can't call your mother...she doesn't have a modem.

16 Your phone bill comes to your doorstep in a box.

15 You don't know what sex three of your closest friends are, because they have neutral nicknames and you never bothered to ask.

14 You move into a new house and decide to Netscape before you landscape.

13 You tell the cab driver you live at ""

12 Your newborn has his/her own home page.

11 Your pets have their own home pages.

10. You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed.

9. You get a tattoo that reads " This profile best viewed with Netscape Navigator 1.1 or higher."

8. You name your children Eudora, Mozilla and Dotcom, or they all have names composed of eight or more characters including at least one numeral.

7. You turn off your modem and get this awful empty feeling, like you just pulled the plug on a loved one.

6. You spend half of the plane trip with your laptop on your lap...and your child in the overhead compartment.

5. You decide to stay in college for an additional year or two, just for the free Internet access.

4. You laugh at people with 2400-baud modems

3. You start using smileys in your snail mail.

2. Your hard drive crashes. You haven't logged in for two hours. You start to twitch. You pick up the phone and manually dial your Service Provider's access number. You try to hum to communicate with the modem. You succeed.

1. You don't think that any of these are funny.

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A death in the family ?
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, " You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, " Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, " don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. " Oh, no," he, says, " everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."

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Why Ask Why

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?

Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?

If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?

If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

Why do they put Braille dots on the key pad of the drive-up ATM?

Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?

You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance?

Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?

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Leave Me a Loan

Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for an immediate loan of $5,000.

The loan officer, taken aback, requested collateral.

Well, then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce, the man said.

The loan officer promptly had the car driven into the bank's underground parking for safe keeping, and gave him $5,000.

Two weeks later, the man walked through the bank's doors, and asked to settle up his loan and get his car back.

" That will be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan officer said.

The man wrote out a check and started to walk away. " Wait sir", the loan officer said, " while you were gone, I found out you are a millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"

The man smiled. " Where else could I park my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"

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A Pirates Tale

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns to tell their adventures on the seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg-leg, hook,and an eye patch.

The seaman asks " So, how did you end up with the peg-leg? "

The pirate replies " We were in a storm at sea, and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit my leg off ".

" Wow! " said the seaman. " What about the hook"?

" Well...", replied the pirate," We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut my hand off."

" Incredible!" remarked the seaman. " How did you get the eye patch "?

" A seagull dropping fell into my eye ", replied the pirate.

" You lost your eye to a seagull dropping? " the sailor asked incredulously.

" Well..." said the pirate, " was my first day with the hook."

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Super Tech

One of Microsoft's finest techs was drafted and sent to boot camp. At the rifle range, he was given some instruction, a rifle, and bullets. He fired several shots at the target. The report came from the target area that all attempts had completely missed the target.

The Microsoft tech looked at his rifle and then at the target again. He looked at the rifle again, and then at the target again. He put his finger over the end of the rifle barrel and squeezed the trigger with his other hand. The end of his finger was blown off, whereupon he yelled toward the target area: " It's leaving here just fine. The trouble must be at your end!"

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Directions Please
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read " WHERE AM I? " in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
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Why God Never Received Tenure at any University

1. He had only one major publication.

2. It was in Hebrew.

3. It had no references.

4. It wasn't published in a referred journal.

5. Some even doubt He wrote it himself.

6. It may be true He created the world, but what has He done since then?

7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.

8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating His results.

9. He never applied to the Ethics Board for permission to use human subjects.

10. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it up by drowning the subjects.

11. When subjects didn't behave as predicted, He deleted them from the sample.

12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the Book.

13. Some say He had His son teach the class.

14. He expelled His first two students for learning.

15. Although there were only ten requirements, most students failed His tests.

16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain top.

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Stupid Newspaper Headlines

Police begin campaign to run down jaywalkers

Stiff opposition expected to casket less funeral plan

Two convicts evade noose, jury hung

William Kelly was fed secretary

Milk drinkers are turning to powder

School experts say school bus passengers should be belted

Quarter of a million Chinese live on water

Farmer bill dies in house

Iraqui head seeks arms

Queen Mary having bottom scraped

Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over

Child's stool great for use in garden

Eye drops off shelf

Squad helps dog bite victim

Enraged cow injures farmer with axe

Miners refuse to work after death

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Classified Ads

Illiterate? Write today for free help.

Auto repair service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.

3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special -- Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.

Vacation Special: Have your home exterminated. Get rid of aunts. Zap does the job in 24 hours.

Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.

For Rent: 6-room hated apartment.

Man, honest. Will take anything.

Used Cars: Why go anywhere else to be cheated. Come here first.

Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.

Wanted: Hair cutter. Excellent growth potential.

Wanted: Man to take care of cow that doesn't smoke or drink.

Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.

Wanted: Widower with school age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.

And now, the Superstore-unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.

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Sad but True

During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S. The pen worked in space, and enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back here on earth.

The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.

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Coffee Break

Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.

The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on. Everything inside is numbered."

" I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. " When you open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."

The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their organs are color coded."

The fourth one said, " I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless, spineless, gutless, and their head and butt are interchangeable."

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All Alone

This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, " It's not a ship."

The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, " It's not a boat."

The speck gets even closer and he thinks, " It's not a raft."

Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, " How long has it been since you've had a cigarette? " "Ten years!" he says.

She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and says, " Man , oh man! Is that good! "

Then she asked, " How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey? "He replies, " Ten years! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says, " Wow, that's fantastic! "

Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her wet suit and she says to him, " And how long has it been since you've had some REAL fun? "

And the man replies, " My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"

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Surprise ! Surprise !

An eager vacuum salesman decides to bring his show to a new subdivision. He knocks on the door of the first place he sees and a woman answers. " Ma'am I'd like to show you the greatest vacuum cleaner in the world " he proudly states. " Well, I suppose I could look at it, " she says skeptically.

So the man runs out to his car and comes back with two bags of horse manure and huge contraption of a vacuum. The woman watches in horror as he flings the manure all over her new rug. " What the hell are you doing???? " she screams. " Ma'am, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean this manure up, I will eat it right in front of your eyes!" he trumpets.

" Well then, I guess I better go get you some ketchup and mustard because we haven't got the power turned on yet."

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True story from Road and Track Magazine:

When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage.

A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome`s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he's ever had.

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Chicken Little
In a recent issue of " Meat & Poultry " magazine, editors quoted from " Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: " Next time, use a thawed chicken."

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Lemon Juice

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time ( weight lifters, longshoremen,etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, " what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what? "
The man replied, " I work for the IRS."

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Windows 95 Humor
For those of you who remember Windows 95

Bill Gates dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. Peter says " Bill, this is a tough call. You've given the world much great technology, but you've also given it Windows '95. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll let you choose between heaven and hell, O.K.? "
Bill says, " sounds great. Can I take a tour of them first? "
Peter says O.K., so they go down to hell first. Gates notices people sipping cool drinks on warm, tropical beaches and tanning nicely. He says, " this is nice, can I see heaven now? " They ascend to the clouds and see angels playing harps, and everything generally looking heavenly. Bill says, " this looks nice, but I think I like hell better."
A month later, St. Peter goes down to hell and sees Bill tied up, surrounded by flames and being tortured by demons. He cries out to St. Peter " This isn't anything like what you showed me on my tour of hell! What happened?"
To which St. Peter replies, " Oh that? That was just a demo."

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Pig's Tail

This is an old one, but still good

A farmer had 5 female pigs and times were getting tough, so he went to the country fair to sell his pigs. At the fair, he came across a farmer who had 5 male pigs. After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50.
The two farmers lived 60 miles away from each other so they agreed to each drive 30 miles, and find a field to mate their pigs. The first morning, the farmer with the female pigs got up at 5:00 am., loaded the pigs into the family station wagon, which was the only vehicle he had left, and drove the 30 miles. While the pigs were going at it, he asked the other farmer, " How will I know if they're pregnant? " The other farmer replied, " If they're in the grass grazing in the morning, then they're pregnant, if they're in the mud, then they're not. "
The next morning they were rolling in the mud so he hosed them down, loaded them again into the family station wagon and proceeded to try again. The following morning, MUD again!

This continued all week until one morning the farmer was so tired that he couldn't get out of bed. He called to his wife and said, " Honey, look outside the and tell me if the pigs are in the mud or in the field." " Neither one," yelled his wife, " They're in the station wagon and one of them is beeping the horn!"

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Computer Humor

--Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

--COFFEE.EXE Missing - Insert Cup and Press Any Key

--Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes.

--Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

--My software never has bugs. It just develops random features.


--<-------- The information went data way>

--The Definition of an Upgrade: Take old bugs out, put new ones in.

--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

--Access denied---nah nah na nah nah nah!

--C:\> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

--Bad command. Bad, bad command! Sit! Stay! Staaay...

--As a computer, I find your faith in technology amusing.

--E Pluribus Modem

--...File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)

--Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny

--A mainframe: The biggest PC peripheral available.

--An error? Impossible! My modem is error correcting.

--A computer's attention span is as long as its power cord.

--11th commandment: Covet not thy neighbor's Pentium.

--Windows: Just another pane in the glass.

--Who's General Failure & why's he reading my disk?

--Ultimate office automation: networked coffee.

--RAM disk is NOT an installation procedure.

--All computers wait at the same speed.

--DEFINITION: Computer---A device designed to speed and automate errors.

--Smash forehead on keyboard to continue.....

--Enter any 11-digit prime number to continue...

--ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

--E-mail returned to sender---insufficient voltage.

--Help! I'm modeming...and I can't hang up!!!

--All wiyht. Rho sritched mg kegtops awound?

--Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.

--"640K ought to be enough for anybody." - Bill Gates, 1981

--Press any, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!

--Press any key to continue or any other key to quit...

--Excuse me for butting in, but I'm interrupt-driven.

--Sped up my XT; ran it on 220v! Works greO?_|"

--Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)

--Read my chips: No new upgrades!

--Hit any user to continue.

--2400 Baud makes you want to get out and push!!

--I hit the CTRL key but I'm still not in control!

--Will the information superhighway have any rest stops?

--Disk Full - Press F1 to belch.

--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (T)hrowup

--Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic

--(A)bort, (R)etry, (T)ake down entire network?

--(A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?

--If debugging is the process of removing bugs, then programming must be the process of putting them in.

--Programmers don't die, they just GOSUB without RETURN.

--Programmer: A red-eyed, mumbling mammal capable of conversing with inanimate objects.

--Real programmers don't document. If it was hard to write, it should be hard to understand.

--XMODEM: A spot-marking transfer protocol.

--SQWERTY: Computer keyboard sized down for use by children.


--The attention span of a computer is as long as its electrical cord.

--Do something unusual today. Accomplish work on the computer.

--BATCH: A group, kinda like a herd.

--Computer programmers don't byte, they nybble a bit.

--Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are.

--The name is Baud......, James Baud.

--Cannot find REALITY.SYS. Universe halted.

--COFFEE.EXE Missing---Insert Cup and Press Any Key.



--Best file compression around: "DEL *.*" = 100% compression

--BREAKFAST.COM Halted...Cereal Port Not Responding

--BUFFERS=20 FILES=15 2nd down, 4th quarter, 5 yards to go!

--C:V> Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.

--Why doesn't DOS ever say "EXCELLENT command or filename!"

--Southern DOS: Y'all reckon? (Yep/Nope)

--CONGRESS.SYS corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/n)?

--SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .

--Shell to DOS...Come in DOS, do you copy? Shell to DOS...


--Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

--REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)

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Massive Virus Attack
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software
COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a " virus ", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colourizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you order new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before .
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.02red2.jpg (1133 bytes)

A Blond Joke (don't get mad,you know who)
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out " GREEN SIDE UP! " In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady then asked him, " Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" " im sorry," came the reply. " But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."02red2.jpg (1133 bytes)


The End of The World , As We Know It

God is seriously disturbed one day and decides to destroy the earth and all mankind. He claps his hands, and in a puff of sweet smelling smoke appears Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
"I've had it with all of you!" God booms. "I am giving you each one week to go back, and warn your people!" With another clap of his hands, all three of them disappear.
Upon returning, Bill Clinton immediately calls his cabinet. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God...the bad news is that he is going to destroy the world in one week!"
Meanwhile, in Russia, Boris Yeltsin is having a similar conference with his ministers of state. "I have bad new and worse news" he tells them. "First, we were wrong... there IS a God... and second, he is really mad, and he is going to destroy everything in one week!"
Strutting around on stage, Bill Gates speaks to all the employees in Redmond. "I have good news, and better news!" he tells his microsmerfs. "First, God considers me one of the three most important people on Earth! Second, we don't have to fix any of the bugs in Windows 95!"
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The Letter Home

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,Your $on.



Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

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Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer. In then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the curs'd machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored. Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"

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A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"

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Crime Doesn't Pay
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."

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Do You like the music?? I obtained it from different locations.  See " Sound Files " on " Links Page " if you want to hear more, or download for yourself.



Keep on Smiling

I said Do not touch this button, Oh! go ahead

Mail tp Fred