~~ Most authors unknown ~~
118 Jokes - So Far
" Where are the Americans "
A Somali arrives in Minneapolis as a new immigrant to the United
Touching Story ....
A man was on holiday in Kenya. While he was walking through the bush, he came across an elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.
The elephant seemed distressed so the man approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot. There was a large thorn deeply embedded in the bottom of the foot.
As carefully and as gently as he could he removed the thorn and the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For a good ten minutes the man stood frozen -- thinking of nothing else but being trampled.
Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.
For years after, the man remembered the elephant and the events of that day. One day the man was walking through the zoo with his son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to where they are standing at the rail. It stared at him and the man couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. After a while it trumpeted loudly, then it continued to stare at him.
The man summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder.
Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him.
Probably wasn't the same elephant .
A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blonde promptly replies, "fifteen inches".
"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor. The surprised salesman replies, "But Miss, computers do not need curtains!"
The blonde says, "Hellooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!!!!
|An old farmer had a wife who nagged him
unmercifully. From morning till night (and sometimes later), she was
always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was
when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.
One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump, and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began haranguing him again. Complain, nag, nag; it just went on and on.
All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet; caught her smack in the back of the head. Killed her dead on the spot.
At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd When a woman mourner would approach the old farmer, he would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement; but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.
So after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer, and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.
The old farmer said: "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked, or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."
"And what about the men?" the minister asked.
"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale.
Subject: Oil Change - Female vs Male
One afternoon a wealthy lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate the situation. He asked one man, "Why are you eating grass?"
"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "We HAVE TO eat grass."
Shocked, the lawyer said, "Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you!"
"But sir. I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree."
"Bring them along," the lawyer replied. Turning to the other poor man he said, "You come with us, too."
The second man said, "But sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!"
"Bring them all!" the lawyer answered. They all jammed into the huge limo.
Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
Genuinely touched, the lawyer replied, "Glad to do it. You'll really love my place; the grass is almost a foot high!"
Bubba was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Bubba how about Tom Cruise"?
"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Bubba and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, "Bubba! Great to see you! You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"
Although impressed, Bubba's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Bubba that he thinks Bubba's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
"No, no, just name anyone else," Bubba says.
"President Clinton," his boss quickly retorts.
"Yes," Bubba says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."
And off they go. At the White House, Clinton spots Bubba on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, "Bubba, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Bubba, who again implores him to name anyone else.
"The Pope," his boss replies. "Sure!" says Bubba.
"My folks are from Poland, and I've known the Pope a long time."
So off they fly to Rome. Bubba and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Bubba says, "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope," and he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour later Bubba emerges with the Pope on the balcony. But by the time Bubba returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss' side, Bubba asks him, "What happened"? His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's that on the balcony with Bubba"?
Subject: You're Not A Monk
A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?" The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way. Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery. The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car. That night, he hears the same strange noise that he had heard years earlier. The next morning, he asks what it is, but the monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know. If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?" The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery. He says, "I have traveled the earth and have found what you have asked for. There are 145,236,284,232 blades of grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth. "The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is right behind that door." The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked. He says, "Real funny. May I have the key?" The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man demands the key to the stone door. The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. So it went until the man had gone through doors of emerald, silver, topaz and amethyst.
Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."
The man is relieved to no end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is amazed to find the source of that strange sound.
But I can't tell you what it is.
" You're not a monk ".
A lot of folks can't understand how we came to have an oil shortage
here in our country.
Nobody bothered to check the oil.
Horseback Riding 101
A young blonde woman decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway!
The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its' slipping rider. Finally, losing her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over and over.
As her head is battered against the ground and she is mere moments away from unconsciousness, to her great fortune, Frank, the Walmart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new Chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he was a Chief in a modern society he had never been taught the old secrets.
When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of t he village should collect firewood to be prepared.
But being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
A week later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?" "Yes," the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The Chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Two weeks later the Chief called the National Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
A person goes to a lawyer to have a contract
drafted. The lawyer tells her that it will cost $100,
which she pays with a $100 bill. After she leaves, the
lawyer realizes that there are actually two $100 bills
stuck together. The lawyer is torn by the obvious
ethical dilemma: Do I tell my partner?
Thirty Reasons Why Men Have Two Dogs
Waiter: Hi, my name is Bill, and I'll be your support waiter, what seems to be the problem?
Patron: There's a fly in my soup!
Waiter: Try again, maybe the fly won't be there this time.
Patron: No, it's still there.
Waiter: Maybe it's the way you're eating the soup, try eating it with a fork instead.
Patron: Even when I use the fork, the fly is still there.
Waiter: Maybe the soup is incompatible with the bowl, what kind of bowl are you using?
Patron: A SOUP bowl!
Waiter: Hmmm, that should work. Maybe it's a configuration problem, how was the bowl set up?
Patron: You brought it to me on a saucer, what has that to do with the fly in my soup?
Waiter: Can you remember everything you did before you noticed the fly in your soup?
Patron: I sat down and ordered the "Soup of the Day"!
Waiter: Have you considered upgrading to the latest "Soup of the Day"?
Patron: You have more than one "Soup of the Day" each day?
Waiter: Yes, the "Soup of the Day" is changed every hour.
Patron: Well, what is the "Soup of the Day" now?
Waiter: The current "Soup of the Day" is tomato.
Patron: Fine. Bring me the tomato soup, and the check. I'm running late now.
Waiter leaves and returns with another bowl of soup and the check.
Waiter: Here you are, Sir. The soup and your check.
Patron: This is potato soup.
Waiter: Yes, the tomato soup wasn't ready yet.
Patron: Well, I'm so hungry now, I'll eat anything.
Patron: Waiter! There's a gnat in my soup!
One tough golf course....
The Montana State Department of Fish and Wildlife is advising golfers to take extra precautions and be on the alert for bears while in the Gallatin, Helena and Lewis and Clark National Forests golf courses.
They advise golfers to wear noise-producing devices such as little bells on their clothing to alert, but not startle, the bears unexpectedly. They also advise you to carry pepper spray in case of an encounter with a bear.
It is also a good idea to watch for signs of bear activity. Golfers should be able to recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear droppings on the golf course. Black bear droppings are smaller and contain berries and possibly squirrel fur. Grizzly bear droppings have bells in them and smell like pepper spray.
Things to Ponder
I planted some birdseed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.
I had amnesia once -- or twice.
I went to San Francisco. I found someone's heart.
Last week I forgot how to ride a bicycle.
Protons have mass? I didn't even know they were Catholic.
All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.
I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.
A beggar asked me for 50¢ for a sandwich. I said, "First let me see the sandwich."
What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
They told me I was gullible ... and I believed them.
Teach a child to be polite and courteous in the home and, when he grows up, he'll never be able to edge his car onto a freeway.
Experience is the thing you have left when everything else is gone.
What if there were no hypothetical questions?
One nice thing about egotists: They don't talk about other people.
When the only tool you own is a hammer, every problem begins to look like a nail.
A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.
What was the greatest thing before sliced bread?
My weight is perfect for my height - which varies.
I used to be indecisive. Now, I'm not sure.
The cost of living hasn't affected its popularity.
How can there be self-help "groups"?
Is there another word for synonym?
Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?
The speed of time is one-second per second.
Is it possible to be totally partial?
What's another word for thesaurus?
If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?
Is Marx's tomb a communist plot?
If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales?
Show me a man with both feet firmly on the ground, and I'll show you a man who can't get his pants off.
It's not an optical illusion. It just looks like one.
Is it my imagination, or do buffalo wings taste like chicken?
A man went into a bar in a high rise. He saw another man take a pill, take a drink, walk to the window and jump out. He flew around for a minute and zipped back into the bar.
As the amazed newcomer watched, the man repeated this twice more. Finally the man asked if he could have a pill. The flier said it was his last one. The man offered five hundred dollars to no avail, so he made a final offer of a thousand dollars. The man said that it was all he had on him.
The flier reluctantly gave in, took the cash, surrendered the pill, and turned back to the bar. The man took the pill, took a drink, went to the window, and jumped out only to fall to his death. The bartender walked over to the flier at the bar and, wiping a glass, said, "You sure are mean when you're drunk, Superman."
Oh! to become a Great Writer
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "great" he said, "I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
these tech terms mean
How did we survive?
According to today's regulators and bureaucrats, those
of us who
Our baby cots were covered with brightly colored
We had no childproof lids on medicine bottles, or
When we rode our bikes, we wore no helmets, just flip
As children, we would ride in cars with no seat belts
We drank water from the garden hose and not from a
We ate dripping sandwiches, bread and butter pudding
We shared one drink with four friends, from one bottle
or can and
We would spend hours building go-carts out of scraps
We would leave home in the morning and play all day, as
We did not have Play stations or X-Boxes, no video games at all.
No 99 channels on TV, no videotape movies, no surround
We had friends - we went outside and found them.
We played elastics and street rounders, and sometimes
We fell out of trees, got cut and broke bones and
We had fights, punched each other hard and got black
and blue -
We walked to friend's homes.
We made up games with sticks and tennis balls and ate
We rode bikes in packs of 7 and wore our coats by only the hood.
Our actions were our own. Consequences were expected.
The idea of a parent bailing us out if we broke a law
This generation has produced some of the best
And you're one of them. Congratulations!
Out of Gas
Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood.
They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house, a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.
Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger coworker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.
As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.
Gasping for breath, she replied, "When I see two gas men running as hard as you two are, I figured I'd better run too!"
In front of a delicatessen, an art connoisseur noticed a mangy little kitten lapping up milk from a saucer. The saucer, he realized with a start, was a rare and precious piece of Ming Dynasty china.
He strolled into the store and offered five dollars for the cat. "It's not for sale," said Morris the proprietor.
"Look," said the collector, "that cat is dirty and undesirable, but I'm eccentric. I like cats that way. I'll raise my offer to ten dollars."
"Make it twenty and it's a deal," said Morris, and pocketed the $20 on the spot.
"For that sum I'm sure you won't mind throwing in the saucer," said the antique connoisseur,"The kitten seems so happy drinking from it."
"Nothing doing," said Morris, the deli owner, firmly, "That's my lucky saucer. With that saucer, so far this week, I've sold 32 stray cats."
Jeff is looking to buy a saw to cut down some trees in his backyard. He goes to the local power tools dealer and asks about various chainsaws.
The dealer tells him, "Look, I have a lot of models, but why don't you save yourself a lot of time and aggravation and get the top-of-the-line model. This chainsaw will cut a hundred cords of wood for you in one day."
So Jeff buys the chainsaw, takes it home, and begins to work on the trees. After cutting for several hours and only cutting two cords, he decides to quit. He thinks there is something wrong with the chainsaw.
"How can I cut for hours and only cut two cords?" Jeff asks himself. "I'll begin first thing in the morning and cut all day."
The next morning, Jeff gets up at 4 a.m. and cuts and cuts and cuts until nightfall, and still he only manages to cut five cords.
Convinced that he bought a bad chainsaw, Jeff decides to take it back to the dealer.
So the next day, he brings the saw back to the dealer and explains the problem. The dealer, baffled by Jeff's claim, removes the chainsaw from the case.
The dealer says, "Hmm, it looks fine."
Then he starts the chainsaw, to which Jeff responds, "What's that noise?"
A man who absolutely hated his wife's cat decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was nearing home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day, he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away and try the same thing.
As we was driving back into his driveway, there was the cat! He kept taking the cat farther and farther away, but the darn cat would always beat him home.
At last, he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home and he left the cat there.
Hours later, the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat there?"
"Yes," the wife answers. "Why do you ask?"
Frustrated, the man answers: "Put that stupid cat on the phone. I'm lost and I need directions!"
A group of men are sitting in a sauna discussing business and stocks when suddenly a cellular phone rings. One of them picks it up and answers it.
"Hi honey, are you at the club?"
"Honey you won't believe this but I'm standing in front of Giovannis and there's a beautiful mink on sale in the window."
"How much is it, dear?"
"They're giving it away. Only $5,000. Can you believe it?"
"But don't you already have fur coats?"
"Please dear it's absolutely exquisite!"
"Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!"
"Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold colored. What do you think?"
"Honey, come on, we already have cars!"
"You promised me that I could get a convertible!"
"How much is it?"
"You won't believe it but he said he'd let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!"
"OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!"
"I love you, you're the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I'm not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown's place with the swimming pool and tennis courts? It's on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months."
"I had actually thought about it. You say it's on the market?"
"Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it's not listed very high, and it would be perfect for our type of lifestyle."
"How much is it listed at?"
"Only $425,000 sweetheart. It's a steal!"
"I guess we've got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer, but no more than $415,000."
"This is turning out to be a great day! Can't wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!"
"See you tonight, dear."
The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks .... "So, whose phone is this?"
Where do you live ?
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long it
will take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
3.You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus
Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature,"
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean, etc..
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1.You eat dinner at 4:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
Windows a Virus ???
Just as a surgeon was finishing up an operation the patient
Could golfing extend your life?
An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a check-up and the doctor was
amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you
attribute your good health?"
The old timer said, "I'm a golfer and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm
up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways."
The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to
it. How old was your dad when he died?" The old timer said, "Who said my
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive?
How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he golfed with me this
morning, and that's why he's still alive... he's a golfer."
The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How
about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"
The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?"
The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still
living! How old is he?"
The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."
The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went
golfing with you this morning too?"
The old timer said, "No... Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got
The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy
want to get married?"
The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
Get Your Goat
There were these two guys out hiking when they came upon an
Five men were bragging about how smart their dogs were. One was an engineer, the second man was an accountant, the third man was a chemist, the fourth was a computer tech, and the fifth was a government worker.
To show off, the engineer called to his dog. "T-square, do your stuff." T-square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty incredible.
But the accountant said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and commanded "Spreadsheet, do your stuff." Spreadsheet went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good.
But the chemist said his dog could do better. He called to his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was more than a little impressive.
The computer tech knew he could top them all. "Hard Drive, have at it." Hard Drive crossed the room and booted the computer, checked for viruses, upgraded the operating system, sent an email, and installed a cool new game. Everyone knew that was a tough act to follow.
Then the four men turned to the government worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The government worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff, Boy." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, erased all the files on the computer, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for workers compensation and went home for a six-month sick leave.
Thoughts On Exercise:
was once a snail that was sick and tired of his reputation for being so slow. He
decided to get some fast wheels to make up the difference. After shopping around
a while, he decided that the Datson 240-Z was the car to get. So the snail goes
to the nearest Datsun dealer and says he wants to buy the 240-Z, but he wants it
A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to
A NUN'S STORY
A cab driver picks up a nun. She gets into the
A Little Knowledge Can Be DangerousThree guys are having a relaxing day of fishing. Out of the
blue, they catch a mermaid -- who begs to be set free, in
return for granting each of them a wish.One of the guys just doesn't believe it, and says, "Okay, if
you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q."The mermaid says, "Done."Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly, and
analyzing what he's recited with great insight.The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid, "Triple
my I.Q."The mermaid says, "Done."The guy starts to spout solutions to problems that have been
stumping all the great scientists of the world: the
mathematicians, physicists, chemists, and so on.The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends
that he says to the mermaid, "Quintuple my I.Q."The mermaid looks at him and says, "You know, I normally
don't try to change people's minds when they make a wish, but
I really think you should reconsider."The guy says, "Nope, I want you to multiply my I.Q. times
five, and if you don't do it, I won't set you free.""Please," the mermaid says, "you don't know what you're
asking! It'll change your entire view on the universe. Won't
you ask for something else, a million dollars, anything?" But
no matter what the mermaid says, the guy insists on having
his I.Q. increased to five times its usual power.
Finally, the mermaid sighs and says, "Done."
And he turns into a woman.
Where's the Boat ?
A magician was working on a cruise ship in the Caribbean. The audience would be different each week, so the magician allowed himself to do the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem: The captain's parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick. Once he understood he started shouting in the middle of the show: "Look, it's not the same hat" "Look, he is hiding the flowers under the table" "Hey, why are all the cards the Ace of Spades ?" The magician was furious but couldn't do anything; it was, after all, the captain's parrot. One day the ship had an accident and sank. The magician found himself on a piece of wood in the middle of the ocean with the parrot, of course. They stared at each other with hate, but did not utter a word. This went on for a day and another and another. After a week the parrot said: "OK, I give up. Where's the boat?"
In the eye of the beholder.
A Mathematician, a Biologist and a Physicist are sitting in a street cafe
watching people going in and coming out of the house on the other side of the
street. First they see two people going into the house. Time passes.
After a while they notice three persons coming out of the house.
Hi! Ho! Silver.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside and sure enough Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got the horse water and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better. The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver and see if you can create nough of a breeze to make him start to feel better." Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe" and took off running circles around silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what's wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says. . . .
"Nothin' - but you left your Injun runnin'."
Think About It
Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The
mime next door went nuts!
Courtesy of: " ACD Funnies " http://www.acdsystems.com
There once was a COBOL programmer named Mike. After years of being taken
for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the relational
database modelers, client/server programmers and website developers, Mike was
finally getting some respect. After separating from the Air Force, he'd become a
private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working
short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on
different assignments, and
Only in America
Only in America...can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance...
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, a large fry, and a diet coke...
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters...
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and leave useless things and junk boxes locked in the garage...
Only in America...do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place...
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight...
And my favorite......... Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures"... Have a great day...Only in America !
A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.
While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection,
the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head,
killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her
At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply. Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, "The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say 'Yes, it was.' The men would then ask, 'Can I borrow that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't, it's all booked up for a year.'"
Reep ra rums rarrm
It was a cold winter day, when an old man walked out onto a frozen lake, cut a hole in the ice, dropped in his fishing line and began waiting for a fish to bite. He was there for almost an hour without even a nibble when a young boy walked out onto the ice, cut a hole in the ice not too far from the old man and dropped in his fishing line. It only took about a minute and WHAM! a Largemouth Bass hit his hook and the boy pulled in the fish.
The old man couldn't believe it but figured it was just luck. But, the boy dropped in his line and again within just a few minutes pulled in another one. This went on and on until finally the old man couldn't take it any more since he hadn't caught a thing all this time. He went to the boy and said, "Son, I've been here for over an hour without even a nibble. You have been here only a few minutes and have caught about half a dozen fish! How do you do it?"
The boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rrarm."
"What was that?" the old man asked.
Again the boy responded, "Roo raf roo reep ra rums rarrm."
"Look," said the old man, "I can't understand a word you are saying."
So, the boy spit into his hand and said, "You have to keep the worms warm!"
WHY WE ARE SO TIRED?
For a couple of years, I've been blaming it on iron poor
blood,lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other
You and me.
And you're sitting there fooling around with Email !
Read My Lips !
According to a radio report, a middle school in Oregon was faced with a unique problem. A number of girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirrors leaving dozens of little lip prints.
Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the custodian. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every day.
To demonstrate how difficult it was to clean the mirrors, she asked the custodian to clean one of the mirrors, He proceeded to take out a long-handled brush, dip it into the nearest toilet and scrub the mirror.
Since then there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Only in California
A Japanese company and a California company decided to have a canoe race on the Columbia river. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance before the race. On the big day, the Japanese won by a mile.
Afterwards, the California team became very discouraged and depressed. The management of the California company decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A "Measurement Team," made up of senior management was formed to investigate and recommend appropriate action. Their conclusion was that the Japanese had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, while the Californians had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering.
So the management of the California company hired a consulting company and paid them incredible amounts of money. They advised that too many people were steering the boat and not enough people were rowing.
To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the rowing team's management structure was totally reorganized to 4 steering supervisors, 3 area steering superintendents and 1 assistant superintendent steering manager. They also implemented a new performance system that would give the 1 person rowing the boat greater incentive to work harder. It was called the "Rowing Team Quality First Program," with meetings, dinners and free pens for the rower. "We must give the rower empowerment and enrichment through this quality program."
The next year the Japanese won by 2 miles. Humiliated, the management of
California company laid off the rower for poor performance, halted development
of a new canoe, sold the paddles and canceled all capital investments for new
equipment. Then they used the money saved by giving a High Performance Award to
the steering managers and distributed the rest of the money as bonuses to the
PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY DEAD AT 71
Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.
Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker and the Hostess Twinkies. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew how much he was kneaded."
Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and one in the oven.
The funeral was held at 4:50 for about 20 minutes.
Bad Puns When were Puns good.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank - proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw." -------------------------------------------------------------------------
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." --------------------------------------------------------------------------
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!" -------------------------------------------------------------------------
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication! -------------------------------------------------------------------------
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?", they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer." -------------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 PM One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc." -------------------------------------------------------------------------
An angry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. -------------------------------------------------------------------------
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
Bumper stickers Courtesy of: " ACD Funnies " http://www.acdsystems.com
FLYING OVER YELLOWSTONE
Passengers on a small commuter plane are waiting for
The entrance opens, and two men dressed in Pilots'
The passengers begin glancing nervously around,
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and
As it begins to look as though the plane will plow
The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly,
In the cockpit, the co-pilot turns to the pilot and
Good Christian Bear
Not in my drink
It's a pain
The Game must go on.
A man receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium - he is closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field.About halfway through the first quarter he notices an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man replies no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, he again inquires of the man next to him. "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1942.""Well, that's terribly sad. But still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? A relative or close friend?"
"No," the man replied, "they're all at the funeral."
Not so Dumb Blonde Joke
A lawyer and a blonde woman are sitting next to each
He explains how the game works: "I ask you a question,
Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.
The chauvinistic lawyer figures that since his opponent
"Okay, how about this "If you don't know the answer you
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse,
Now, it's the blonde's turn. She asks the lawyer, "What
The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes
After over an hour, of searching for the answer he
The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get
The lawyer, who is more than a little frustrated, wakes
Again without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse,
Homer, a handsome dude, walks into a
sports bar around 9:58 PM.
A contestant on "Who Wants to be a Millionaire?" had reached the final plateau. If she answered the next question correctly, she would win $1,000,000. If she answered incorrectly, she would pocket only the $32,000 milestone money.
And as she suspected it would be, the million-dollar question was no pushover. It was, "Which of the following species of birds does not build its own nest, but instead lays its eggs in the nests of other birds? Is it (A) the condor, (B) the buzzard, (C) the cuckoo, or (D) the vulture?
The woman was on the spot. She did not know the answer. And she was doubly on the spot because she had used up her 50/50 Lifeline and her Audience Poll Lifeline.
All that remained was her Phone-a-Friend Lifeline, and the woman had hoped against hope that she would not have to use it...Mainly because the only friend that she knew would be home happened to be a blonde. But the contestant had no alternative. She called her friend and gave her the question and the four choices.
The blonde responded unhesitatingly: "That's easy. The answer is C: The cuckoo."
The contestant had to make a decision and make it fast. She considered employing a reverse strategy and giving Regis any answer except the one that her friend had given her. And considering that her friend was a blonde, that would seem to be the logical thing to do.
On the other hand - the blonde had responded with such confidence, such certitude, that the contestant could not help but be persuaded.
"I need an answer," said Regis.
Crossing her fingers, the contestant said, "C: The cuckoo."
"Is that your final answer?" asked Regis.
"Yes, that is my final answer."
Two minutes later, Regis said, "I regret to inform you that that answer is... absolutely correct. You are now a millionaire!"
Three days later, the contestant hosted a party for her family and friends - including the blonde who had helped her win the million dollars. "Jenny, I just do not know how to thank you," said the contestant, "because of your knowing the answer to that final question, I am now a millionaire. And do you want to know something? It was the assuredness with which you answered the question that convinced me to go with your choice. By the way... how did you happen to know the right answer?"
"Oh, come on," said the blonde. "Everybody knows that cuckoos don't build nests. They live in clocks!"
Keep the Noise down
Hot n Cold
Cheap Paint Job
A blond, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself
out as a handyman-type
In The Eye of The Beholder
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were
To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows
The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him
Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha!
The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the
"That's easy," the blonde replied. "He can't wear regular
Bill of No Rights
If Dr. Seuss wrote for Star Trek: the Next Generation.
A death in the family ?
An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.
The bartender asks him, " You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; it would taste better if you bought one at a time."
The Irishman replies, " Well, you see, I have two brothers.One is in America, the other in Australia, and I'm here in Dublin. When we all left home, we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days when we drank together."
The bartender admits that this is a nice custom, and leaves it there.
The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar, and always drinks the same way: He orders three pints and drinks them in turn. One day, he comes in and orders two pints. All the other regulars notice and fall silent.
When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, " don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your great loss."
The Irishman looks confused for a moment, then a light dawns in his eye and he laughs. " Oh, no," he, says, " everyone's fine. I've just quit drinking."
Why Ask Why
Leave Me a Loan
A Pirates Tale
A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communications equipment. Due to the clouds and haze, the pilot could not determine the helicopter's position and course to steer to the airport.
The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a hand-written sign, and held it in the helicopter's window. The pilot's sign read " WHERE AM I? " in large letters.
People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign, and held it in a building window. Their sign read " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER."
The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map, determined the course to steer to SEATAC airport, and landed safely.
After they were on the ground, the copilot asked the pilot how the " YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER " sign helped determine their position.
The pilot responded "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because, similar to their help-lines, they gave me a technically correct but completely useless answer."
Why God Never Received Tenure at any University
Stupid Newspaper Headlines
Sad but True
During the heat of the space race in the 1960's, the U.S. National
Aeronautics and Space Administration decided it needed a ball point pen to write
in the zero gravity confines of its space capsules. After considerable research
and development, the Astronaut Pen was developed at a cost of $1 million U.S.
The pen worked in space, and enjoyed some modest success as a novelty item back
here on earth.
The Soviet Union, faced with the same problem, used a pencil.
Four surgeons were taking a coffee break and were discussing their work.
The first one said, "I think accountants are the easiest to operate on.
Everything inside is numbered."
" I think librarians are the easiest," said the second surgeon. " When you
open them up, all their organs are alphabetically ordered."
The third surgeon said, "I prefer to operate on electricians, all their
organs are color coded."
The fourth one said, " I like to operate on lawyers. They are heartless,
spineless, gutless, and their head and butt are interchangeable."
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten years. One day, he
sees a speck in the horizon. He thinks to himself, " It's not a ship."
The speck gets a little closer and he thinks, " It's not a boat."
The speck gets even closer and he thinks, " It's not a raft."
Then, out of the surf comes this gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit
and scuba gear. She comes up to the guy and she says, " How long has it been
since you've had a cigarette? " "Ten years!" he says.
She reaches over, unzips this waterproof pocket on her left sleeve and pulls
out a pack of fresh cigarettes. He takes one, lights it, takes a long drag and
says, " Man , oh man! Is that good! "
Then she asked, " How long has it been since you've had a drink of whiskey?
"He replies, " Ten years! " She reaches over, unzips her waterproof pocket on
the right, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long swig and says,
" Wow, that's fantastic! "
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the front of her
wet suit and she says to him, " And how long has it been since you've had some
REAL fun? "
And the man replies, " My God! Don't tell me that you've got golf clubs in there!"
Surprise ! Surprise !
An eager vacuum salesman decides to bring his show to a new subdivision. He
knocks on the door of the first place he sees and a woman answers. " Ma'am I'd
like to show you the greatest vacuum cleaner in the world " he proudly states. "
Well, I suppose I could look at it, " she says skeptically.
So the man runs out to his car and comes back with two bags of horse manure
and huge contraption of a vacuum. The woman watches in horror as he flings the
manure all over her new rug. " What the hell are you doing???? " she screams. "
Ma'am, if this vacuum cleaner don't clean this manure up, I will eat it right in
front of your eyes!" he trumpets.
" Well then, I guess I better go get you some ketchup and mustard because we haven't got the power turned on yet."
True story from Road and Track Magazine:
When a man attempted to siphon gasoline from a motorhome parked on a Seattle
street, he got much more than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to
find an ill man curled up next to a motorhome near spilled sewage.
A police spokesman said that the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into the motorhome`s sewage tank by mistake. The owner of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh he's ever had.
In a recent issue of " Meat & Poultry " magazine, editors quoted from " Feathers," the publication of the California Poultry Industry Federation, telling the following story:
It seems the US Federal Aviation Administration has a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane's windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.
The theory is that if the windshield doesn't crack from the carcass impact, it'll survive a real collision with a bird during flight. It seems the British were very interested in this and wanted to test a windshield on a brand new, speedy locomotive they're developing.
They borrowed the FAA's chicken launcher, loaded the chicken and fired. The ballistic chicken shattered the windshield, went through the engineer's chair, broke an instrument panel and embedded itself in the back wall of the engine cab. The British were stunned and asked the FAA to recheck the test to see if everything was done correctly.
The FAA reviewed the test thoroughly and had one recommendation: " Next time, use a thawed chicken."
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money.
Many people had tried over time ( weight lifters, longshoremen,etc.) but nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice," I'd like to try the bet." After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
The crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass. As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, " what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what? "
The man replied, " I work for the IRS."
Windows 95 Humor
For those of you who remember Windows 95
Bill Gates dies and is met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. Peter says " Bill, this is a tough call. You've given the world much great technology, but you've also given it Windows '95. I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I'll let you choose between heaven and hell, O.K.? "
Bill says, " sounds great. Can I take a tour of them first? "
Peter says O.K., so they go down to hell first. Gates notices people sipping cool drinks on warm, tropical beaches and tanning nicely. He says, " this is nice, can I see heaven now? " They ascend to the clouds and see angels playing harps, and everything generally looking heavenly. Bill says, " this looks nice, but I think I like hell better."
A month later, St. Peter goes down to hell and sees Bill tied up, surrounded by flames and being tortured by demons. He cries out to St. Peter " This isn't anything like what you showed me on my tour of hell! What happened?"
To which St. Peter replies, " Oh that? That was just a demo."
This is an old one, but still good
Massive Virus Attack
PAT BUCHANAN VIRUS: Your system works fine, but it complains loudly about foreign software
.COLIN POWELL VIRUS: Makes its presence known, but doesn't do anything. Secretly, you wish it would.
HILARY CLINTON VIRUS: Files disappear, only to reappear mysteriously a year later, in another directory.
O.J. SIMPSON VIRUS: You know it's guilty of trashing your system, but you just can't prove it.
BOB DOLE VIRUS: Could be virulent, but it's been around too long to be much of a threat.
STEVE FORBES VIRUS: All files are reported as the same size.
PAUL REVERE VIRUS: This revolutionary virus does not horse around. It warns you of an impending hard disk attack: Once if by LAN; twice if by C.
POLITICALLY CORRECT VIRUS: Never identifies itself as a " virus ", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".
ROSS PEROT VIRUS: Activates every component in your system, just before the whole thing quits.
TED TURNER VIRUS: Colourizes your monochrome monitor.
DAN QUAYLE VIRUS #2: Their is sumthing rong with your komputer, but ewe cant figyour outt watt!
GOVERNMENT ECONOMIST VIRUS: Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.
NEW WORLD ORDER VIRUS: Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.
GALLUP VIRUS: Sixty percent of the PC's infected will lose 30 percent of their data 14 percent of the time (plus or minus a 3.5 percent margin of error).
TEXAS VIRUS: Makes sure that it's bigger than any other file.
ADAM AND EVE VIRUS: Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.
CONGRESSIONAL VIRUS: The computer locks up, and the screen splits in half with the same message appearing on each side of the screen. The message says that the blame for the gridlock is caused by the other side.
AIRLINE VIRUS: You're in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.
FREUDIAN VIRUS: Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.
PBS VIRUS: Your programs stop every few minutes to ask for money.
ELVIS VIRUS: Your computer gets fat, slow, and lazy, then self-destructs, only to resurface at shopping malls and service stations across rural America.
OLLIE NORTH VIRUS: Causes your printer to become a paper shredder.
NIKE VIRUS: Just does it.
SEARS VIRUS: Your data won't appear unless you order new cables, power supply, and a set of shocks.
JIMMY HOFFA VIRUS: Your programs can never be found again.
KEVORKIAN VIRUS: Helps your computer shut down as an act of mercy.
STAR TREK VIRUS: Invades your system in places where no virus has gone before .
HEALTH CARE VIRUS: Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends you a bill for $4500.
A Blond Joke (don't get mad,you know who)
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about her job. In the first room she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out " GREEN SIDE UP! " In the second room she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled " GREEN SIDE UP! " The lady then asked him, " Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?" " im sorry," came the reply. " But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
The End of The World , As We Know It
God is seriously disturbed one day and decides to destroy the earth and all mankind. He claps his hands, and in a puff of sweet smelling smoke appears Bill Clinton, Boris Yeltsin, and Bill Gates.
"I've had it with all of you!" God booms. "I am giving you each one week to go back, and warn your people!" With another clap of his hands, all three of them disappear.
Upon returning, Bill Clinton immediately calls his cabinet. "I have some good news and some bad news. The good news is that there is a God...the bad news is that he is going to destroy the world in one week!"
Meanwhile, in Russia, Boris Yeltsin is having a similar conference with his ministers of state. "I have bad new and worse news" he tells them. "First, we were wrong... there IS a God... and second, he is really mad, and he is going to destroy everything in one week!"
Strutting around on stage, Bill Gates speaks to all the employees in Redmond. "I have good news, and better news!" he tells his microsmerfs. "First, God considers me one of the three most important people on Earth! Second, we don't have to fix any of the bugs in Windows 95!"
The Letter Home
Abort, Retry, Ignore?
Once upon a midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary, System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the floor, Longing for the warmth of bed sheets, still I sat there doing spreadsheets. Having reached the bottom line I took a floppy from the drawer. In then invoked the SAVE command and waited for the disk to store, Only this and nothing more. Deep into the monitor peering, long I sat there wond'ring, fearing, Doubting, while the disk kept churning, turning yet to churn some more. But the silence was unbroken, and the stillness gave no token. "Save!" I said, "You cursed mother! Save my data from before!" One thing the phosphors answer, only this and nothing more, Just, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
Was this some occult illusion, some maniacal intrusion? These were choices undesired, ones I'd never faced before. Carefully I weighed the choices as the disk made impish noises. The cursor flashed, insistent, waiting, baiting me to type some more. Clearly I must press a key, choosing one and nothing more, From "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
With fingers pale and trembling, slowly toward the keyboard bending, Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be restored, Praying for some guarantee, timidly, I pressed a key. But on the screen there still persisted words appearing as before. Ghastly grim they blinked and taunted, haunted, as my patience wore, Saying "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
I tried to catch the chips off guard, and pressed again, but twice as hard. I pleaded with the curs'd machine: I begged and cried and then I swore. Now in mighty desperation, trying random combinations, Still there came the incantation, just as senseless as before. Cursor blinking, angrily winking, blinking nonsense as before. Reading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own machine accosted. Getting up I turned away and paced across the office floor. And then I saw a dreadful sight: a lightning bolt cut through the night. A gasp of horror overtook me, shook me to my very core. The lightning zapped my previous data, lost and gone forevermore. Not even, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
To this day I do not know the place to which lost data go. What demonic nether world us wrought where lost data will be stored. Beyond the reach of mortal souls, beyond the ether, into black holes? But sure as there's C, Pascal, Lotus, Ashton-Tate and more, You will one day be left to wander, lost on some Plutonian shore, Pleading, "Abort, Retry, Ignore?"
A yuppie opened the door of his BMW, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely. When the police arrived at the scene, the yuppie was complaining bitterly about the damage to his precious BMW.
"Officer, look what they've done to my Beeeeemer!!!", he whined.
"You yuppies are so materialistic, you make me sick!!!", retorted the officer. "You're so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn't even notice that your left arm was ripped off!!!"
"Oh my gaaawd...," replied the yuppie, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was, "Where's my Rolex?!!!!!"
Crime Doesn't Pay
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house that he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you," the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot. He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?" "Yes", said the parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief, then he asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Clarence," said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot," sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Clarence?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the Rottweiller Jesus."
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